Before we finally say goodbye to the first half of 2020, I want to leave you a powerful message, “Only you can determine what you will or will not become.”
November 24, 2015. If I can describe this day in a phrase the closest would be — an explosion of blankness. It was when the results of my license exam finally came out and I was greeted with terrible news. I failed.
For the first two seconds I was in shock, then came disappointment, frustration, anger, and finally yes, resentment towards my fellow examinees who had the actual nerve to ask if I was okay. Then a week later, I was back on my feet, determined to play the Blame Game.
Outlet 1: Blaming Your Situation
Three weeks before the exam day my boyfriend got sick, I rushed him to the hospital and while he was getting checked little did I know that we were to stay there for a good two and a half weeks and he had to have a blood transfusion, twice. While the doctor was examining him I was confident that it was nothing too serious and we should be able to get back to our apartment but then came in the nurse with a wheelchair and my boyfriend was asked to sit on it. He was injected with dextrose and then the nurse turned to me and I was asked, “Would you want a private ward or a semi-private one?”
To cut the story short my boyfriend was admitted on that same day and I had to rush back to the apartment to get clothes and other things. Books were the last thing on my mind.
Three weeks later, I learned that my name was not on the list of passers and almost immediately my defense mechanism started rolling out. I had to have an outlet. I had to have an excuse. We stayed in the hospital — that was my excuse. I failed because my mind was thrown out of focus, I was worried about my boyfriend and I didn’t have the chance to use the last three weeks to prepare myself more. Now that is a valid excuse.
Having an outlet, something, or someone to blame to when things don’t go exactly the way we want them to be is a common way to escape the harsh truth, that most of the time we are the one responsible for how the way things turn out in our lives.
Blaming the situation is far easier than being responsible for the events that transpired. Blaming the pandemic that your debt mounted up when in fact they already were even before Ncovid season, yep. Blaming your noisy neighbors that you can’t write a good blog post when in fact you have always been avoiding to, second yep. Let’s admit it. Blaming feels nice and cozy.
Outlet 2: Blaming The Government
“Ah! I’m poor because of the people sitting in the Malacañang office, those monsters.” I am speaking to my fellow Filipinos here. Yes, you guys. Cockfight in the middle of the pandemic, really? Bingo, all the while complaining that your Php 8,000 given by the government will not last for a week, come on.
I specifically mentioned fellow Filipinos because this is a rampant mentality in our country although in reality, this does happen. When people are out ideas, they blame the government. I wonder why.
When I was in grade school I blamed the president because whenever I want to ask for a new bag, a new toy, basically anything, all that I hear from my parents is, “Wala na, binayad sa tax.” In English, “No more. We paid tax.” What the heck. Why is the president receiving money from my parents while I rarely do?
Now nearing my thirties I realized, blaming the government is childish unless the president decides to wage war with other countries or anti-government groups. Think about it. If the government is a huge factor in how successful we will become, then why did some of my colleagues went on to become senior engineers in Dubai while I didn’t?
Outlet 3: Blaming God
When I failed my license exam, I too blamed God and along with Him are St. Jude Thaddeus and all the other saints that I prayed to. I blamed them because I prayed but I didn’t get what I asked.
At some point in our lives, we rely on the higher Authority unless you are an atheist but generally whatever religion you are in, at some point you have prayed and asked for something. Maybe a family member is going abroad or is sick, or like me maybe you have begged for a miracle in your examination day, or like most Filipinos pleaded to win the lottery.
When are praying we are putting our faith in the hands of the Almighty and subconsciously our mind is set. Whatever we ask, we shall receive because we are appealing to the most powerful source of miracles. However, we all know life does not work like that so whenever we are given a disappointing answer, we blame who we prayed to, consciously or subconsciously.
Outlet 4: Sticking To The Mantra, “Life Is Unfair”
For the first few weeks after hearing the news that I failed my license exam, I would tell myself that it happened because life is unfair. For one thing, I know people who merely guessed answers and passed.
When we go through hardships and failures, it is easier to embrace this reason as compared to evaluating our own selves. It is a cruel world we live in but this our default setting and we cannot change that. The only thing we can shift is our mindset. If we stick on to this mantra, that whatever we do, failures will surely come sooner or later because life is unfair, what happens is that we ultimately set ourselves to downfall.
Did you know that whatever kind of thoughts you permit into your mind, you acquire habits along with it, habits that will determine what you will or will not become?
My Final Thoughts
The wound is the place where the Light enters you. -Rumi
Blaming others, blaming whatever or whoever you like to, this behavior is the defense we activate to preserve our delicate self-esteem, our self-respect, our pride. Blaming lets us build a wall around us with a drainage system for bad energy so whenever we get this negative energy we simply let it flow out.
Blaming feels nice but in reality, when we do this, we acknowledge that the things happening in our lives are because of all these people around us. We are recognizing that even if this is our story, we are simply extra characters whose stage appearance depends solely on everybody else except us.
Six months later after hearing the terrible news that I failed my exam, I took a second test and passed it with a score that I never expected I would have. It was heavy to accept, I kid you not that I would have to repeat it but I took full responsibility and motivated my own self. It was scary when you have no choice but to toughen up.
If you’re waiting for me to tell you to stop blaming other people and circumstances, you’re waiting in vain. I am not here to question or argue about that but this is what I will leave you with-
Please, be kind to yourself. Be kind enough that you would look at your own reflection squarely in the eye and give honest, unfiltered evaluation on yourself like how you would point out your sibling’s mistake without flowery words. Be kind enough that you would be your own frank friend who will bluntly say what needs to be said. Be kind enough that you would let yourself go through this because it’s the only way you can forward. Be kind enough that you would undress yourself of all the walls that are keeping you from seeing the truth. Enough with the escape games. Enough with the irrational positivity. This not for anybody. This is for you. You are already hurt. Please, stop damaging yourself even more. Do this for you.
Hello! Thank you for reading this from The Mindful Modus.
My name is Princess of The Mindful Modus, a blogger on a mission of helping people develop a healthy approach to work and life by incorporating mindful practices to everyday, mundane self care routines. All the contents of my blog are decaf-initely free but a coffee can greatly help me stay awake! Thank you so much!