It was supposed to be on the 1st of June and I was supposed to wear olive trousers paired with a collared white formal top and a spritz of Versace. The wedding came but I did not.
It was not that I intended to stay at home that day. It was because the bride is a former co-worker whom I treated as a friend and attending her “Big Day” means diving into the presence of all my former workmates and bosses. Sadly two weeks prior, I was in anxiety.
I was feeling light-headed, my muscles were tense, there were random palpitations and all I want to do is stare blankly on the ceiling as I lie in bed. To think that I would come to meet those people from work, from where I developed depression episodes is like knowing a bomb is to be delivered at my doorstep.
Don’t get me wrong. When I heard the news that my friend got engaged I was ecstatic. I would surf Pinterest for hours looking for that perfect gift that would suit her. I was torn between buying a new dress for the occasion getting myself all glammed up or settling with the few pieces that I have and do with a smart-casual look.
I was excited because that was a family affair. I thought not everyone in the office will be invited so it is okay for me to attend but two weeks before the event I heard the news. Every person in the office got an official invitation and a seat reservation. I was in shock.
I did not see that coming.
I actually tried to force myself that day. I woke up early. I cleaned the apartment, did the laundry, and took out some clothes that I plan on wearing. I did all that but I was shaking. I could not think properly. I was on a not-so-subtle-panic-mode.
Three hours before the ceremony my fiance and I were supposed to get ourselves ready but he gave me a deep sigh and told me, “You know what, let’s just bail. I can sense a panic attack coming. Go take a shower, I’ll get my laptop ready, let’s just re-watch Game of Thrones. The bride will still be fine. The ceremony will still go on.”
I broke into tears.
That day I learned that it is okay. It is okay to be a no-show. It is okay to pause. It is okay to take a step back. It is okay to permit yourself to stay away from situations that are making you uncomfortable. It is okay to recognize that there are moments when your mental state is dipping.
It is okay not to be okay.
Hello! Thank you for reading this from The Mindful Modus.
Hello my name is Princess of The Mindful Modus, a blogger on a mission of helping people redirect anxiety by integrating mindful practices to everyday, mundane self care routines. All the contents of my blog are decaf-initely free but a coffee can greatly help me stay awake! Thank you so much!